Fallen Phoenix
by Rae TB
Summary: Sister fic to Broken Mirror. KaixRei. Kai is struggling with his own problems. Ones he has kept hidden...ones that lay within him slowly devouring him from the inside out.
1. My little phoenix

Fweee...so here it is: ze sister fic to Broken Mirror. --- Much love goes out to all that reviewed Broken Mirror. You guys RULE. This is Broken Mirror from Kai's P.O.V. and...seeing as how the ending will probably leave a lot lacking...I might be doing a sequel.

Disclaimer: do not own it.

Warnings: self mutilation, slooooow updates, language etc.

Italics = dream, flashback

bold = thoughts

"_My little phoenix..." a female whispered, her hand stroking Kai's cheek, holding him close to her body as she rocked him. Crimson eyes looked up at her with the innocence only a child could have as a warm laugh left her throat, her fingers running through his hair. _

"_My beautiful little baby boy..." she whispered a sorrow laced smile spreading across her face, a violent coughing fit ripping through her body. She choked out in pain her warm brown eyes shutting, her breathing now pants. "Kai...I'm sorry...that I won't be able to watch you grow...that I won't be able to see your smile or hear your laugh...My little phoenix..." she mumbled her eyes shutting permanently a silence settling around the room. _

Bloodshot eyes snapped open, Kai's breath coming out in short, heavy pants. "Fuck..." he mumbled kicking his sheets off, sitting up straight in his bed, his visage settling on his wall. _"My little phoenix..." _he heard again his hand grasping on to his bed. "She's dead...get over it Kai...Your mother is gone and you're stuck with your asshole father...there's nothing you can do..." he mumbled.

"_My little phoenix..." _echoed in his brain yet again his eyes clenching shut. The words replayed themselves over and over again in slow motion. Backwards, and forwards like a never ending game of tennis. "Stop it...get out of my head..." he whispered standing, grasping his head as though he were in extreme pain, which wasn't far from the truth. His memories plagued him, and taunted him, not only in his sleep but while he was awake, every second of every day.

His mother had died giving birth to him, and his father blamed him for it every chance he could. A frown laced his lips his legs carrying him over to the window his eyes focusing on the moon. A soft sigh escaped him, his eyes shifting to the ground as he felt something soft and furry rub against him. "Mmm...Moshi..." he muttered leaning down to rub behind it's ears. "If you weren't the kitten of the cat my mother loved so much I swear-"he started gazing into it's eyes.

"Rei..." he whispered. Moshi had always reminded him of Rei...His graceful actions, his soft eyes, his cuteness. Kai chuckled lightly pulling the kitten into his lap sighing. He had known for a long while that Rei was a self mutilator. He knew the teen better than he knew himself, he could tell by his actions, his awkwardness, the guilty look in his eyes...Kai read Rei like a book, because as far as he was concerned Rei was him. The object of his desires was perhaps the only person he saw pieces of himself in.

"_My little phoenix..." _

"Stop it..." he whispered in a haunted voice.

"_My precious little boy..." _

"Stop it," he said more forcefully this time.

"_My-"_

"STOP IT!!!!!!!!" he roared his voice echoing through the empty room, as Kai panted for air, realization hitting him. There was no one there...he was alone. The teen shut his eyes, his grip on the cat increasing. "I can't take this..." he whispered. "I just...can't take it anymore!" he thundered watching the cat scamper off as he stood, making his way to the dresser.

'**Don't...'** his mind warned as he began to shake his hand opening it slowly. Taking slow breaths to steady himself, his hand wrapped around a blade, his arm lifting it upwards, pressing it against the pale flesh on his wrist.

"No..." he whispered.

"_I love you..."_

'**YES!**_' _his mind screamed, Kai's teeth gritting as he dragged it across his skin hissing. **'Don't stop. This is what you deserve Kai.'** Panting, he continued the motion, pulling it back and worth across his arm watching a river of crimson flowing downwards.

"I should stop..." he mumbled.

**'Give yourself the pain you've brought everybody else...'**

"She wouldn't want this..." he whispered dropping it, watching as it crashed to the ground his body joining it. "This is wrong...all wrong..." he mumbled.

'**But it feels so right. Even Rei can take a little bit of pain. It's your turn. It's time you took back some of the suffering you gave to him. It is your fault he started cutting in the first place.'**

"That's not true..." he growled.

'**You've done nothing to stop him.'**

"It's not my place to-"

'**So it's your place to sit back and let your friend suffer? Nice, Kai...real nice.'**

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!" he screamed in rage ripping his sheets clear off of his bed in anger.

'**Resorting to violence? If your mother could see you now...she'd be ashamed of you... little phoenix? More like a fallen phoenix...'**

Kai had no response to that as he stayed stationary eyes focused on the bloody blade, picking it up yet again.

'**Yes Kai...that's it...'**

"You've ruined your own life Kai...Rei would be disgusted with you..." he mumbled bringing the blade hard and fast through his other wrist panting as it traveled over his past scars. "I'm disgusted with you..." he spat angrily, blood now on the floor around him, both arms and wrists dyed a deep red.

His wrists began to throb, crying out for him to stop, begging him to end the torture they didn't deserve but his mind drove him on. Kai was powerless against his negative thoughts, they commanded his every move, controlled his being. A moan escaped his parched lips as he fell backwards, his eyes falling shut, his body drained from the torture it had endured at it's masters hands. His eyes became heavy, slowly dropping, begging him for sleep. Soon the boy reluctantly dozed giving his body what it wished.

_Kai groaned his eyes studying his surroundings carefully a pant escaping his lips. Fluffy clouds surrounded him, bright light streaming through them, angels everywhere. "My phoenix...my beloved phoenix...what have you done?" a familiar voice questioned softly a warm feeling of entering his being, filling him to the brim with love. All around him was bright aura, one that enchanted him and drew him forward closer to the voice. _

"_Mother...?" Kai whispered eyes wide with shock._

"_My angel...my child...my fallen phoenix..." the voice whispered as it began to fade. _

"_M-Mother?! MOTHER! COME BACK!" He cried out falling to his knees before tumbling downward, through the clouds, to the deepest and darkest abyss in the bottomless pits of hell, the warm feeling having forsaken him. "MOTHER! C-come back...I need you..." he whispered. _

Kai's eyes opened, his body covered in a thin layer of cold sweat. His eyes rested on his wrists again as he sat up stiffly. "She's ashamed of me...I've ruined everything..." he whispered softly, the feminine voice echoing through his memories.

"_My little phoenix..."_


	2. Kai's broken mirror

Kixiescythe – my brain apologizes XD

Lazyfifilazy – thanks love, me too! And Kai actually cut himself ;

Evilchild666 - -nodnod- don't you worry, I will get them together. Buwhaha!

kaieshakai – indeed.

Catty Hiwatari – Aww, thank you. You're so sweet! –glomp-

BlackPhoenixFire – thank you so much for sticking in with me...hopefully you're still here!

RakuOzzarianprincess – I'm glad I threw you for a loop, enjoy!

HatsumiNarita – here you are lovely!

FANGIRL – yep, I hope to finish the sucker XD;...might be asking too much though. -- sigh

KonekoRin-Kun – COOKIE, PLUSHIE, YAY! –flaunts talent?- XD;

Hellhound666 – yuppers!

Werewolf – I really, really love you. I was having a terrible flame filled day and your reviews made all the badness go together, you're the reason I'm doing an update. –huuug-

Disclaimer - own nothing

Warnings - self mutilation, shounen-ai, cursing

"Father, I'm going to the arcade," Kai called looking in at his drunken father in disgust writing out a message and placing it on top of his Dad's curled up body.

"Come back to me..." the voice of his father whispered as Kai looked downward. He was talking about Kai's mother no doubt...ever since she had died her memories had haunted them both. They missed her and yet they cursed the torture she put them through. All their nights were sleepless, their days long and dragged out without her.

Kai shut his eyes opening them once more as he put a blanket over his sleeping father, "See you around...old man," he scoffed walking out into the crisp night. The stars gazed down upon him and twinkled watching over him like tiny guardians. Each one reminded him of his mother's eyes. Their soft sparkling balls contained a warmth that reminded him much of his mom. The moon lit up the night showering the surrounding area in the glow of its own. He couldn't help but think of his mother's face, and how she used to light up every room.

"Get out of my head!" Kai spat making a fist. "I am NOT your little phoenix lady, get that through your head!" the youth growled kicking at the ground irritably. The rest of the journey was a chore for him as he dragged his feet against the pavement. Kai's crimson orbs scanned the cracks as though looking for something.

The bright lights of an arcade flashed before his eyes from a distance, the vibrant colors close to blinding all that laid their sights on it including Kai. Kai cursed quietly as he arrived, Tyson continuing to ramble on senselessly, a strangled sigh leaving the phoenix's throat. Occasionally crimson eyes would glance down at the scabs on pale arms, the cuts beginning to heal. It was funny really...the cut would heal, but the pain, the memories would always be there. Kai's eyes slid shut and he began to wonder if this was worth it as the wind ruffled his scarf. The whole thing had started innocent enough, Tyson had wanted to meet here promising that Rei would come along.

What a fool he was.

The sound of shoes scuffling against the sidewalk could be heard as Kai's eyes fluttered open and he glanced up. "Rei..." he mumbled in slight surprise. It had been a while since he had seen Rei...The only reason he even humored Tyson was to sneak a peek at the catlike youth and his graceful beauty. Seeing Rei now, his hips swaying, long hair swinging behind him cleared all doubt in Kai's mind that this would not be worth it.

"Rei! Man I'm so glad you could come! I haven't seen you in forever!" Tyson said happily in his usually annoying voice. Kai crushed his teeth together, enamel scraping against enamel as he sighed angrily. His entire body was now tense as he clenched and unclenched his fists trying to restrain himself from gauging Tyson's eyes out with a nearby rock. Stupid Tyson, Kai had been just about to talk to Rei before he interrupted.

"Good to see you too Tyson," Rei said looking over at his other friends his eyes focusing on Kai in particular. "Kai," he nodded in recognition as Kai grunted lightly looking Rei over. Sure, he looked the same, acted the same, but it was all a mask concealing wave upon wave of misery.

Rei's other so called friends couldn't see it, but he could. The pain radiating from Rei's being was the same that he had been feeling lately. Even the look in Rei's brilliant amber eyes was dull and hazy. The once sharp brilliance that glittered was now gone, replaced with a look of pain. Kai's own hawk like eyes continued to examine his friend, falling on what he had been looking for.

Scars.

Pale line after pale line blemished the beauty of Rei's otherwise flawless skin each mark a symbol of self hate. "Let's just go inside and beat the high score on all the games!" Max chirped his voice as equally as exuberant and trying as Tyson's.

"Sounds like a plan to me Maxie!" the other member of the A.D.D. twins answered. How Tyson could be so happy in such god awful weather, he'd never know. Rei shivered wrapping his arms around himself his teeth chattering quietly. Goose bumps ran up his flesh slowly appearing along the once smooth surface. The wind wrapped around the group of boys, circling in and out around them causing a barrier between them.

The howling of the wind assaulted Kai's ears as he frowned, watching Tyson and Max turn to run inside, "Well, are you coming or what?" Tyson questioned in slight annoyance.

A small sigh escaped Rei's pale and parted lips the bitter cold biting at his ears and nose. Glancing over at Kai he turned to go inside only to have his wrist grabbed gently, "You go on ahead Tyson. We'll be there in a moment," Kai stated as Tyson blinked.

A look of confusion crossed his features as he sighed and shrugged. "Err...okay then...suit yourself," Tyson shrugged walking away, Max close behind him.

"So what's up?" Rei questioned all attention now focused on Kai. The normally stoic youth froze a lump forming in his throat. Kai sighed and tried to concentrate on the task at hand. He knew what Rei was going through, the pain and loneliness he must have endured. In vain he attempted to hide his worry, fear, and anxiousness from Rei, but knew that the youth had noticed.

"Rei, please tell me what's been going on," Kai stated his words sounding agitated.

"I-I," Rei stuttered as Kai sighed. Right now judging by the look of fear in Rei's eyes he could tell he wouldn't be receiving the truth out of him.

"I've been having a lot of problems at home lately is all. My grandmother recently passed away," Rei muttered glancing away as Kai frowned. He could tell Rei was allowing his inner demons to win, to devour him whole in a sea of pain.

"I see, I'm sorry for your loss Rei," Kai commented quietly turning to leave.

"Kai wait!" Rei shouted out Kai turning to stare at him, eyes filling with hope.

"What Rei?" came the seemingly emotion reply, but brewing beneath the surface was more emotion than Kai cared to share.

"I umm, err...never mind!" Rei shouted hurriedly fleeing from the scene his hair swishing back and forth behind him.

'He lied to me...' Kai thought to himself dragging his feet as he headed home. A growl left his throat as he shut the door a loud slam sounding throughout the empty house. A shiver racked his body a empty feeling spreading throughout his spine. He might have been inside now, but it felt much colder indoors than out.

"Where were you?" a venomous voice spat as Kai stiffened slightly.

"The arcade, with the others," Kai mumbled as a fist flew to meet his cheek. The stoic youth hissed flying backward his fingers running across the now bruised surface of his skin. Kai's fist clenched as his face began to sting and burn now a light pink. Soon a bruise would form, and he'd have no one but this demon to thank.

"And why the hell didn't you tell me!" his father's voice boomed resonating down the hallway.

"I did tell you and I left a note," Kai glared hissing as a second fist impacted with the same cheek that had been punched earlier, sending him backward.

"Go up to your room BOY," The man growled shouting the last word with all the hatred in his voice.

"Gladly," Kai stated going up to his room and slamming the door shut, sitting down on his floor. Rolling his sleeve up, he grabbed his razor trailing his index finger over the cold metal blades. Kai sighed pressing the cold surface to his heated skin digging it in. Slowly he dragged the blade along his wrist applying for and more pressure as his emotions became stronger.

"Rei, why won't you let me in?" Kai growled in frustration glancing down at the portable mirror by his bed. "What are you looking at!" he hissed throwing it against the wall. The mirror shattered the pieces spreading out across the floor the broken shards starring up at him. Each one reflected light against its cool surface despite the fact it represented something so very dark. "I wonder... this is how you feel Rei?..." Kai half mumbled half asked, picking a piece up.

"KAI WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" a voice bellowed as Kai frowned.

"Nothing, my mirror just broke..." he scowled.

"Then clean it up and put it back together," the enraged hissing responded.

"I don't think I could even if I wanted to..." came the strangled reply.

TBC...

before I go...here are some hints on how to help a friend with an sm problem:

1) In my case I didn't realize I wasn't in my struggle alone...what I needed was a hug and reassurance that everything would be okay. And that there were people that loved me and would help.

2) It's important to be patient.If they aren't ready to seek help, give them space and time, but don't give up on them. They might hint that they want you to get help for them, but it's really something they need to do.

3) If you are sure they have plans to kill themselves, snap into action and tell an adult anyway.

4) offer to check their arms and legs regularly to discourage them.

5) if you spot a cut on them, first things first; make sure it's cleaned.

That's all for now folks.

Review please?

But no flames...I'm all flamed out x-x


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